It’s election season again, and the attacks are in full
swing, both among the political professionals and their devoted followers on
social media. However, I’ve noticed a
few people on Facebook engaging in posts and comments that are simply
unacceptable for the current political and cultural environment. Now, I realize there is a certain freedom in
the online world that’s lacking in real life, however there are rules which must be followed if one is going to
successfully destroy all hope for intelligent debate and informed citizenry.
Rule #1: Ignorance is Power. If you don’t know all the facts, then they
can’t trouble you. You already know
everything you need to know about everything, because you read something
someone posted about it once. As long as
you can loosely paraphrase a soundbite that supports your position, you have
all the information you need. It’s a
waste of time to research actual statistics, read actual reports, or listen to
actual speeches given by the person you don’t want to vote for. As long as you avoid actual facts, no one can
contradict you.
Rule #2: Choose Your Sources Carefully. Obviously not everyone is an expert on
everything (only a few brilliant souls like myself can claim that). Therefore you must sometimes find reliable
information elsewhere. Online is best,
because if it’s on the web then it must
be true (unless it was planted there by the ignorant followers of the other
party). Be sure to seek out bloggers who
share your opinions or paid political organizations that specialize in
masquerading as grass-roots organizations.
Their newsletters can always be trusted to be completely factual and accurate.
After bloggers and hired guns, entertaining talk show hosts are good
sources. Conservatives should go to
Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh for information, and liberals should get their news
from Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. If
you must rely on an actual news organization, be sure to choose one with an
obvious bias towards your opinions. Fox
News is best for conservatives, and MSNBC is best for liberals, though liberals
have more choices due to the liberal bias of the entire mainstream media. However the more outside sources you consult
(liberal or conservative), the more different interpretations you’ll be exposed
to. Pick one or two sources and stick
with them exclusively.
Rule #3: Limit the Debate. Only one issue matters: the one you care about. Dismiss any arguments against your preferred
candidate that try to change the subject, and drive home the importance of your
facts by stating your strongest opinions and then using the words, “END OF
DISCUSSION.” (All caps is very important
here—see rule #4.)
Rule #4: USE ALL CAPS WITH ABANDON. A generally accepted understanding of online
etiquette is that using all capital letters is equivalent to yelling. Since we’re trying to drown out all opposing
opinions, we want to be as loud as possible.
Use all caps to ridicule or deride an argument or the individual who
made it (it doesn’t matter which—see rule #5), or to emphasize that you won’t
be swayed from your opinion NO MATTER WHAT!!!
(Extra exclamation points also help to increase the volume of your
online rant, so feel free to use them excessively, as well.)
Rule #5: There is No Difference Between a
Person and Their Position. Since a
person is completely defined by their political beliefs, we are free to judge
people based on their political postings.
If you think someone’s opinion is stupid, then they are stupid,
too. If you think someone’s opinion is immoral,
then clearly they are immoral, as well, and you have a moral responsibility to
inform the entire online community of their depravity. Do not humanize people who think differently
than you; they’re nothing more than faulty opinions that need to be shot down
and made to go away.
Rule #6: Go Negative. Anyone with any common sense at all already
knows why the person you want to vote for is the only reasonable choice. Therefore it’s a waste of time to extol the
positive attributes of your candidate, and you should only focus on what’s
wrong/immoral/evil about the other candidate, his or her entire party, and
everyone who supports them.
Rule #7: Sweeping Generalizations are Always
Accurate and Appropriate. If one
person holds any given position, that person’s entire political party and all
other supporters must hold that same position.
You are free to assign whatever motives you wish to why they hold that
position (the more nefarious the motivation, the easier it is to ridicule it
and the person as well—see Rule #5).
Rule #8: If You’re Losing an Argument, Switch
to Another Topic and Pretend You Didn’t.
Sometimes a really annoying online adversary will somehow be able to
defend his or her (wrong) position while poking very real holes in your
(obviously right) position. When this
happens, change the focus of the debate to something you can win, and pretend
it’s the same debate. This allows you to
completely disregard the minor victory your opponent thinks they may have won,
and also has the added bonus of annoying your opponent so much that frequently they’ll
just shut up and go away. That means
you’ve won.
Rule #9: Disregard All Information From Sources
You Don’t Use Yourself. This is
related to Rule #2, but applies more specifically to any sources cited by
someone you’re debating. Any data or
information they bring up from a source that doesn’t align with your preferred
bias completely factual and unbiased source is irrelevant and can be
dismissed. Unless they can use your own
preferred sources for their information, it’s not worth discussing the matter
with them. (If they can use information from your own sources against you, then you need to
tell them how they’ve twisted and misinterpreted the data, are too stupid to
understand it, or else change the focus of the argument, as detailed in Rule
#8.)
Rule #10: There are No Human Consequences. Issues like war, hunger, poverty, health
care, mental illness, unemployment, and family values are ideologies to be
enforced, and real people aren’t affected by the consequences of these
ideologies. Therefore you should make
light of these issues and the people who claim to be harmed by your view of
them, because mockery strengthens your argument. People who disagree with you aren’t really
human anyway, and should be mocked,
insulted, and demeaned (see Rule #5).
By following these rules, you can help silence those who are seeking intelligent debate. More and more people will become
disillusioned with the political process and simply disengage, leaving the
decisions to be made by the loudest and most obnoxious extremists out there. We’re well on our way down that path already;
please do your part to accomplish this important goal.
